Something Else To Know About Your Marriage, Citing My Case As An Illustration, By Emeka

If you realize that you made a mistake and married somebody you should not have married, it may be better to break the marriage when you are still friends and could still be friends. Do not wait until things degenerate to a point where you become enemies. 


It is better to divorce a friend than to divorce an enemy. If you divorce while you are still friends, you can work out many important issues amicably such as the issue of how to raise your children. For the sake of your children, you must be friendly and respectful toward your ex-spouse. 

I may use myself as example. If we were in Nigeria, when my ex-wife and I divorced, I am sure that we would have remained married. But by now, we may not be speaking with each other, even as husband and wife. But we agreed jointly to divorce when we were still friends. It meant that we had no difficulty in agreeing on all things. Our children never saw us argue. We remained respectful to each other. If I hear my daughter on the phone speaking with her mother and I feel she was not respectful enough, I rebuke her and I tell her: "Is that how you talk to your mother? Why are you in a rush to end a call with your mother?" Or on Sundays, you hear me tell me children: "Have you called your grand parents (that is their mother's parents)" I tell them to call their grand parents every weekend. 

Likewise, when my children are with their mother and they try to demand for things, their mother tells them: "Don't bother your dad with that. He doesn't have the money.". That is because we parted as friends and remained friends. Otherwise, she could have told our children that their father is a wicked man and that is why he is not giving them everything they wanted. 

It is all for the children's sake. Do not become enemies. Do not allow a wrong marriage to degenerate to warfare. It doesn't matter what the Pastor tells you. The pastor is not the one in the marriage. By the way, when my ex-wife remarried, her new husband became my client and friend. And on one occasion, my ex-wife and I were invited to the same occasion. I had my girlfriend visiting. My girlfriend was in my house while I had gone to the event from somewhere else. I was hoping to go to my house to bring my girlfriend to the event. But I was made the MC at the event. So, I could not leave the event to go and bring my girlfriend. Guess the person I asked for help? My ex-wife called me for me to give her the direction to the venue. That was how I knew she and her new husband were coming to the event. I found they were passing close to my house. I requested her to stop at my house to pick my girlfriend. She and her husband did that gladly. They arrived together we my girlfriend and we sat at the same table at the event. 

Now, having said this, I am not encouraging anybody to divorce his or her spouse at the slighted opportunity. But every wise person knows when his marriage can no longer be revived. The test is not whether you can stay married. Rather the test is whether you can stay happily married. Once you know that your marriage will aways be something to endure or manage, it is time to call your partner have a discussion and if he or she sees what you see, you can commence discussions (as friends) on how to end it and to regain your happiness. Don't allow your parents to make the decision. Don't allow your Pastor to do it for you either. But be realistic and understand that it is going to involve some major adjustments, which could be costly. Carefully and jointly evaluate the costs and plan on how to mitigate them. 

God did not ordain any couple to be married. Your marriage partner is a choice you made. That choice could be wrong or based on wrong assumptions. What I have seen in Nigerian as marriage has not always been marriage. For instance, do you know how many women who do not know their husband's real date of birth? I was shocked to hear women tell me that are not sure about the husbands' age. And you: do you know you husband's or wife's age? If you do not and cannot find out, then you should divorce the marriage. IT is not worth it.