Made In Nigeria Feminism, By Vic

I've silently read quite a lot of the arguments about the Nigerian brand of feminism on social media. I call it Nigerian brand of feminism because the ideas many of them propagate are apparently disconnected from the theoretical and conceptual underpinnings of post-modernist feminism.


I think some people are confusing relationship management with feminism. Some ideas suggesting how to increase women's emotional and financial security don't really have much to do with feminism. Some other treatises suggesting whether bride price should be paid or not; whether the bride should kneel down or not at her traditional wedding, and those intricate details about what happens within intimate relationships are no more than personal perspectives on relationship management.

Many often express surprise that the majority of those dishing out relationship advice are predominantly single, or  divorced. I've also observed that those with longstanding marriages stay away from those 'feminist' conversations. Maybe, because they know that majority of these 'feminist' ideas are richly utopian.

First off, you don't become a feminist by screaming 'I-am-a-feminist' with your megaphones on a daily basis. Feminists exude strength that is visible and demonstrable. For instance, it will almost be unthinkable for anybody to raise his/her hands and slap the Hilary Clintons, the Ngozi Iwealas, the Angela Merkels or Oprah Winfreys of this world. These women don't go about calling themselves feminists. They exude their feminine power by successfully navigating murky waters of politics, governance, business, entrepreneurship, including professions that were previously, exclusively preserved for men. Their conduct and actions reek of power and strength. You can already tell you're in trouble when you step on their toes, without them spelling out the consequences.

Secondly, marriages require strong doses of tolerance, foolishness and concessions to make them work. Those values often held out as 'Naija feminist ideas' are there to ensure the brevity of marriage unions. When Hillary lived through the Monika Lewinsky scandal, the divorce courts in America were not on holiday. Staying on is a decision you make depending on what you want from a relationship and your determination to make it work. Certainly, for any marriage to work, a part of your male or female power must be relaxed. It means letting go of a part of that which makes you powerful and strong, and letting a lot of your partner's  kposhi-kposhi pass by. It's not easy and there are no fixed rules.

Again, your ability to pay your own bills doesn't make you a feminist. Too much showing of feminine wealth have three consequences : First, you become an easy prey for thousands of male leeches out there, looking for rich women to pay their bills. Secondly, you miss too many opportunities with your loudness. Most responsible men find that sort of loudness off-putting. There are so many things to be loud about, but money shouldn't be one of them.  Thirdly, you reinforce role reversals in the family which is resulting in the growing number of men who can no longer cater for their families. I dare say majority of married women are dying in silence, with their backs and hands hurting from carrying all the bills in the home on her shoulders alone. A lot of women are hurting from being too strong a woman. Their men are no longer fit to be called men. They are just husbands on paper. That's what the bravado feminism is causing  the society.‎ No matter how much you earn, let the man assume his fatherly roles in the household, including caring for you. Let him do it. Feel free to support him, but don't take over his responsibilities.
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Next time you want to jump onto the Naija feminism bandwagon, take a deep breath and ponder deeply. You may be engaging a subject different from your real intent.